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Some of My Favorite Clean Humor

Philisophical: If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Internet Maxim: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Lily Tomlin:
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but now I see that I should have been more specific."
"If I would have known how much it was going to cost to have it all I would have asked for less."

Joke of the day: A guy walks into the doctors office with a radish in one ear, an olive in the other, a cherry tomato in one nostril and some parsely in the other. "I don't feel so good," he says to the doctor. "Well," the doctor replied, "that's because you're not eating right."

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates (470-399 B.C.)

Seattle Rain joke: Guy asks a young boy when the last sunny day was in Seattle. "I don't know, I'm only 6" he replied.

From the TV show, Simpon's: On a recent show, a guy is talking in a strange voice. "Excuse me. did something crawl down your throat and die?" asks Marge Simpson. Severely offended, the man replies: "It didn't die!"

Mark Twain: Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Gene Peret: I had a muscle that twitched all day yesterday. It was the most exercise I've had in years.

George Burns: Every morning when I get up, I read the obituary page. If my name's not there, I shave.

Wise words from Wayne Campbell in the movie Wayne's World: You know I thought I had mono once for an entire year--turned out I was just really bored.

Steve Martin on relationships: There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she catches me with another woman.

Nose joke from the movie Roxanne: When you stop and smell the flowers, are they afraid?

Phyllis Diller: When my husband Fang was born, he was so ugly, the doctor slapped his mom.

Jerry Seinfeld on relationships: Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on the sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes the car ends up on the sde of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up."

Gas joke: I ripped a doozy in a Toastmasters meeting regarding which I exclaimed: "To air is human. Besides I thought we were here to learn how to air our opinions."

Light Bulb Joke: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb must really want to change.

Computer customer support stories

When asked to insert the disk and close the door, the individual put the disk in the drive, got up and closed the door the their office.

When asked to remove the disk from its jacket, the individual took out a pair of scissors and cut the plastic jacket off the disk.

When instructed to press any key to continue, the individual responded that they could not find the "Any" key.

Camping Humor: While a family was camping in an Oregon campground, deer were constantly wandering through the area. Frustrated by all of this activity, a four year old marches up to the park ranger and shouts: "Who let all of these deer out? Did YOU do it?"

From the movie, The World According to Garp: While couple is standing on the sidewalk outside a home they are considering buying, a small plane swoops down and crashes into the second floor. Garp exclaims to the real estate agent, "We'll take it!" After his wife looks at him in disbelief Garp explains, "The chances of another plane hitting this house are phenomenal!" About this time the pilot steps out of the hole in the side of the house and asks, "Would you mind if I use your phone?"

Lousiana Flood Story: A flood is expected to wipe out a small town and evacuation is begun. A jeep is driving through town and comes across a guy standing on his front porch. "Hop in," they said, "The flood will be coming in any minute." "Don't worry about me," the man replied, "I have faith that God will save me." Unable to change his mind, they drove on without him. Soon the flood waters began to roll in, and a rescue team drifted by this man's house in a boat. "Hop in," they requested, "We'll get you out of here." "Don't worry about me," was the man's reply, "I have faith that God will save me." Unable to change his mind, the rescue team continued on without him. Not long after that, the flood waters had completely covered this man's house, and he was hanging from the chimney. A rescue crew in a helicopter spotted him and dropped him a ladder. The man refused the ladder insisting that God would save him. Unable to change his mind, the helicopter went on without him. The water continued to rise and the man drowned. On his way through the pearly gates, he met up with God and exclaimed, "You really let me down! I had faith that you would save me and look what happened!" "Well let's see," was God's reply, "I sent you a jeep, a boat and a helicopter."

Rober Schuller from his "Tough Times Never Last" audiotapes: Billy Graham, Oral Roberts and Robert Schuller die unexpectedly in a plane crash. When they arrive in heaven, St. Peter tells them that their rooms aren't ready, and asks them if the want to spend some time in hell to see if they can help out in any way. "Sure" was their reply. Not long after this, St. Peter gets a call from hell: "You've got to get these guys out of here," the caller exclaimed, "Graham is saving souls, Roberts is healing the sick, and Schuller is raising money to air-condition the place!"

Rules (of course this isn't true, but sometimes it feels true. I'll bet there are other times when it feels like it's the other way around.)

  1. The female always makes the rules.
  2. The rules are subject to change without notice.
  3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
  4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
  5. The female is NEVER wrong.
  6. If it seems the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
  7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
  8. The female can change her mind at any time.
  9. The male must never change his mind without the express WRITTEN consent from the female.
  10. The female has the right to be upset or angry at ANY time.
  11. The female must remain calm at all times, unless the female WANTS him to be angry or upset.
  12. The female must UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES allow the male to know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

From Paul Harvey News: "How long is a minute? ... I guess that depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on."

My famous bald eagle call: "Here eagles. <pause> Here eagles." Yell this fairly loudly, but not so loud as to upset your guests. Works about 50% of the time depending on where you are when you use it.

Edwene Gaines on the importance of clarity in goal setting: One woman wrote down a goal that she wanted more love in her life. When she got home, her neighbor gave her a pregnant dog.

Wayne Dyer on baldness: Wayne tells of receiving an essay about himself written by a fifth grader. This individual, when asked to write something, was stumped for a topic until he noticed a picture of Wayne on the cover of a book on his teacher's desk. "Wayne Dyer is slick headed," he wrote. "I'll bet he used to be a magician, and one time when he disapeared, he came back but his hair didn't." The essay concluded with a deep philosophical question: "I wonder if flies slide off his head?"

Wayne Dyer on parenting: While arguing with his daugther on one occasion, Wayne points out to her that she chose him to be her father before she was born. To which his 11 year old responds, after a few gestures of disbelief, "Well I must have been in a hurry!"

Humorous Virus List, by Barry Wilson

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed as it rescrabbles data into messages about marriage and it's intimate desire for the motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesnt allow the user to accomplish anything.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

Favorite Humorous Movies

Romantic Comedies

  1. Hitch
  2. Shallow Hal
  3. The Goodbye Girl
  4. When Harry Met Sally
  5. Sleepless in Seattle
  6. The Mirror Has Two Faces
  7. While You Were Sleeping
  8. As Good as it Gets
  9. The Wedding Singer

Slapstick Comedy

  1. Wayne's World
  2. The Princess Bride
  3. Ace Ventura Pet Detective, starring Jim Carry
  4. Liar Liar, starring Jim Carry
  5. Mrs. Doubtfire
  6. Big, starring Tom Hanks
  7. Naked Gun, starring Leslie Nielson
  8. Airplane, starring Leslie Nielson
  9. Roxanne, starring Steve Martin
  10. All of Me, starring Steve Martin and Lilly Tomlin
  11. Robin Hood, Men in Tights (especially the last 20 minutes)
  12. LA Story, Steve Martin

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